I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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