either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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