Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
