I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
