If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
