the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
