The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
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