I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
