I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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