I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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