I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
