Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
