I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
