Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize