After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
