I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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