oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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