Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
