woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Randomize
