how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
