Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize