I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Will you blow on my dice?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
