I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
