Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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