Only a mothe r could love this liver
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
