There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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