Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
