this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
