Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
