I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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