a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
