how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
