Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
