Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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