JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
