I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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