Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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