Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
