My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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