how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Randomize
