Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
