last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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