She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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