when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize