shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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