Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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