I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
