just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
