I'm so fucking centered right now
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
