i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
