Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
