I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
