The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
