Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
