we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
