I wish I only lived at night.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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