I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
