your parents love me but you hate me
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
