Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
It's shark week go big or go home
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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