I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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