did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
