i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
