gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
