I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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