we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
