Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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