I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
