You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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