The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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