my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
